Filed under: behavior | Tags: behavior, domestic partnership, donor, family, inseminate, lisa loeb, people, politics, pregnancy
I wonder where Lisa Loeb is now? Is she married with a family? Becoming domesticated with her family life. Or is she playing small gigs at coffee shop type places or small bars while people are holding the locally brewed dark ale in one hand, pocket in jeans, and swaying side to side to the tune of “So” while reminiscing of their adolescents? I layed in bed last night and an old melodramatic song of hers kept repeating in my head. Oh how i related so much to Lisa Loeb in high school. Everything was so dreadfully painful in my youth. All problems were life and death and heartbreaking. I work with high schoolers everyday. I am beyond empathetic to their dramas or day-to-day. How a boy breaks their hearts or they can’t get a date to winter formal. At the same time I see how easy they have it. Good wholesome kids whose parents give them everything they can. They haven’t had to make life changing decisions, their parents make them for them. I have trouble saying no to those I love, somewhat to my detriment. I’m not sure when it happened. But Lisa Loeb’s lyrics don’t speak the way they used to.
and you say i only hear what i want to:
i don’t listen hard,
i don’t pay attention to the distance that you’re running
or to anyone, anywhere,
i don’t understand if you really care,
i’m only hearing negative: no, no, no.
Does that not scream teenager??? However, to this day the most negative comes from me from what i tell myself. So, many life changes we are going through now, leading to so many emotions. Emotions I basically suck at expressing. I am broken - in the injured sense and somewhat dramatic – we have to put things off on our baby plans until I get through my knee surgery and my back allows me to continue day-to-day without excruciating pain. Through this Brooke has talked about going back to school. While we also struggle paying for our insemination.
Oh how I long for the days when this was simpler a could brood over a song that made sense and made me feel I wasn’t along in the world.
you say i only hear what i want to.
you say i talk so all the time so.
and i thought what i felt was simple,
and i thought that i don’t belong,
I really wish it was as simple as an english test…..
Filed under: behavior | Tags: domestic partnership, inseminate, lesbian family, OBGYN, people, politics, pregnancy, prejudice
Often one of my crazy conceptions I have had in my head about bringing more people into the world is really the state of the world. The state of people, the ideas they have, and the hated for others. I am weary of people in general. What I am always amazed is the ways people come together. It takes a horrible event in Haiti make people care about one individual thing. Suddenly, there is a common goal, a solidarity among people. This want to help others and be grateful for what you have. Other things – sporting events. Last night Brooke and I went to a Portland Trailblazers basketball game. Thousands of people whom in day-to-day life might completely despise each other bond with their desire for “their” team to annihilate another. This for some reason never ceases to amaze me. A common goal among strangers brings anyone closer together. This phenomenon is honestly one of the things that melts my heart for whatever reason. On the other hand being that one person with a jersey on from the “other” team, is not in luck. People that would normally be pleasant in day-to-day life take such personal disrespect because of your choice of team. Strangers attack someone because they are from somewhere else and dare to cheer for “their” team. This makes me weary of people. This ruins this wonderful utopia of togetherness.
What people think to themselves, I often wonder. Would I rather them say it to my face? We sat by an old man and his grandson he seemed so nice and I wondered what he though when I put my arm around Brooke. So, quickly people’s idea of another can change. So swiftly can a hatred be ignited. Whether someone supporting the team you want to lose or there is an interracial couple. What if you take off you jacket mid-conversation with someone and you have an Obama shirt when they voted for Cain? What if someone is telling you how cute your baby is and they ask about the father and you say she has two mommies? I cannot predict how people will always react, instead I am weary of many people. And in awe of how minor things can cause a complete stranger to have utter hatred for you.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: adoption, baby, domestic partnership, donor, GLBT, inseminate, pregnancy, psychic
I guess the big question for me today is about belief. Do I believe in psychics? If I do, just because they say something, does it make it so? Things have been complicated lately. Because of my injuries we have had to take a break from insemination to take care of me. Before all we talked about was making this baby we hope to one day have. Now we talk about doctors appointments, injections, and surgeries for me.
After our last baby making attempt we decided to see a psychic. Brooke has always wanted to get her palm read. It’s something we have always wanted to do for fun, just to see. I had heard about this woman on the radio. People were saying she told them when they would conceive and it happened. I thought what could it hurt, maybe it will be good news. I really never expected what Brooke was told. Brooke went to see the woman by herself. It was an appointment day. Yesterday morning I had an appointment for my knee telling me they were going to operate. After that we went to the psychic appointment for Brooke. It’s amazing how much she was able to tell Brooke about her, just by holding her ring. Brooke told her my birthday and I have to admit did not expect all she knew about me either. We had already decided to take another month off trying until we figured out my back. I didn’t expect this woman saying it would take longer than we thought. She had told Brooke we needed to take care of me first.
She even gave Brooke a number. When we would have the baby. So, do I believe what she says? To we take it to heart and not try until she predicts it will happen. What about everything else she said? These other life affected things…do I believe them? do I not want to? If I do, if what she said is true in all these ways does my blog change from what two lesbians are going through to make a child, to the leaps and bounds two lesbians go through in their crazy young adult life getting us ready to make a baby?
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: adoption, baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, drama, family, family conflict, inseminate, kids these days, lesbian family, OBGYN, parental influence, pregnancy
I am not going to lie Brooke is pretty much screwed. The day I got her in my hooks, she became stuck. Not just with my, but my family as well. This holiday has been good as well as interesting. I am no longer a drinker and haven’t been for over 8 years. However, my family, they are. Christmas Eve by the time we arrive at my mom’s she is drunk and my brother is on his way. We had a nice time overall. But Brooke compared having dinner with my mom drinking to having a toddler at the table. But Brooke is damn good at taking care of everyone. That day my back started to bug me. Unfortunately, the rest of the weekend I was stuck on the couch with my back out and Brooke taking care of me. I have no doubts she will be the best mom in the world since i have seen her take such good care of both my family and myself. I have mentioned before how the selfish part of me is worried when we have kids that no one will be able to take care of me. However, this weekend I worried about me not being able to take care of Brooke when she is pregnant. I definitely spent a lot of time watching tv this weekend. And for some reason every show was about pregnancy and babies. Even that Kendra show on E! which Brooke only wanted to watch because it was the episode she had her baby. At this point she couldn’t reach her shoes or zip up her jacket on her own or anything. Here I am layed up on the couch unable to get up to walk. What happens if my back goes out when she is 9 months pregnant? When I met Brooke I was just about to have back surgery. Since then I have battled injury after injury from tennis and just life. She has always been great at taking care of me. My pain has always been in the front of our minds. I have become somewhat negative and accepting about the whole thing….that this is just the way I am stuck. I have to just deal with the pain and move on. I am definitely at a point where that can’t be a possibility anymore. I need to take care of all this crap going on with my body so I can be present when this whole baby thing happens. I need to be able to take care of Brooke and not worry about my back going out or me knee getting jacked up. The one thing that I have always said about Brooke is that she calms me down. She is the reasonable one. I need to take care of all this crap so she doesn’t have to be reasonable all the time. And maybe be ok with being crazy and hormonal.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: adoption, baby, domestic partnership, family, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, ovulation, pets
So, there are definitely things parents have to do for their children. Stuff like go see Santa. Stuff like going to look at Christmas lights or whatever. For now our kids are Codi and Charlie our dogs. Well they got their first pictures with Santa the other day. Yes we felt cheesy and geeky and all of those things. But they just looked so darn cute! Now last night we went to the Oregon Zoo. They have ZOOLIGHTS. A friend of ours wanted to get a little group and do something festive. First let me say I am beyond not festive. However, for Brooke I am trying. After five years this is the first year with Brooke I have gotten a tree. She keeps telling me when we have kids these are important things. Well, if there is anything to talk to you out of wanting kids, it’s going to something like ZOOLIGHTS. There were hundreds upon hundreds of people and families and kids. I first tell Brooke this kind of stuff is not necessary until the kids can walk without us carrying them around and they can comment on what the see. Besides it being 33 degrees and people carrying their newborns around it’s just plain crowded. For the first time after we leave the thought of “can we do this” crosses Brooke’s mind. Which in turn actually makes me feel better. Brooke has not deterred from this child wanting path. I do want this baby we will hopefully soon be having. However, I definitely have straight fear pass through my thoughts regularly. This is the first time Brooke has seemed to of had it. Nothing like hundreds of families enclosed in a park with animals to bring the fear of life in you. I think it’s completely normal. I like the idea of Brooke’s imperfection. It makes me feel a little less crazy about everything i stress about;)
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, pregnancy, prejudice, support
So, we are taking December off from trying. Things are too stressful at work for Brooke and the holidays in general. I think also we never expected this whole thing to be so hard on us emotionally. This weekend we went to visit some friends in Vancouver, BC. and their one year old boy. They are a lesbian couple who went through the same stuff we are now going through. I think it was just what we needed. Brooke let loose and even drank some wine. I was kind of floored. She had given up caffeine and alcohol since we started trying. But I think she really was overdue for a glass of wine. I am so floored at their health care. You know people are so opinionated about health care in the states, whether or not they should have it. People act as though Canada is some communist country with their health care. But they had great care with the birth and all of the insemination were tax deductible for them. In order for ours to be tax deductible it has to be 7.8% of our annual income. And I just found out yesterday my insurance won’t allow me to put Brooke on it because we can’t get married. The whole system is just fundamentally flawed. Somehow it will all work out. I think I am ready to start thinking about babies again. We had so much fun spending time with their little boy. I think it reminded me how excited I am to be a mom. For Brooke I think it was nice for her to talk to a lesbian mom who had to go through the same stuff she has to go through. We definitely have our hetero friends with babies that have been good. But it is definitely not the same thing we have to go through. Too bad we can’t just go back to the old turkey baster!
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: baby, family conflict, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, pregnancy
This is definitely not fun all this waiting and lack of control and all that crap. Try number two was no success. The let down is actually easier than the first time, but still not emotion free. If only money wasn’t an issue. Paying for insemination would not be a big deal.
I find it interesting that I really have no desire to have a child myself. Not once in my life have I considered it even a possibility. I definitely want to be a mother, but no desire to be pregnant or anything. However, being pregnant and having a child of her own has always been something Brooke wanted. I have had so many people ask if I would have our next child or something like that. It is just not something I have ever had the desire for. Which makes me feel so horrible knowing something Brooke wants so bad is taking longer then we would ideally like.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy, Uncategorized | Tags: baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, pregnancy
We are at least hoping second time is a charm. So, last week we went in for our second insemination. This time we came into luck when Brooke was ovulating. She had already had the day off of work so there was no chance anyone at her job was gong to find out. However, at my job it was a little more difficult. My mom is my boss so the last time I just had to tell my mom and she lied about why i wasn’t at work. This time she was out-of-town and I had to seriously rearrange things and inform some people as to why. Thankfully no one has been pushy since. This time was different then our first try. First of all our nurse was much easier to be comfortable with and we weren’t as nervous. We knew what we were expecting and our appointment was first thing in the morning. Unlike the last time when we were anxious half the day. It was so funny watching them put the speculum in and having to find her cervix. This time she was more informative about what she was doing the whole time. I so badly wanted to look, but i stayed put holding Brooke’s hand. It has been exactly a week and we haven’t talked about it as much as the last time. We are hoping the less pressure we put on it the more likely it will be to work out.
I found it kind of funny when one of our younger male friends, who is about 19, asked about how the process was going. I told him the first time it didn’t work so we are just going to keep at it. In his mind he said that he thought all it took was one try no matter what. I admit this kind of thing was not something I thought about when I was 19 and it’s definitely different being a guy. Over and over again I am amazed about just how little people know about the whole process we as a lesbian couple have to go through to have a child. This time around we are both less stressed about it all. We will hopefully have more patience. And more than anything I hope this second try will be a charm for us.
Filed under: lesbian | Tags: baby, behavior, donor, drama, family, family conflict, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, parental influence, pregnancy, prejudice, support
Things have been so crazy I can’t believe it’s been so long since I have written in here. The last few Sundays have been our L Word days. We have been renting the last season on Netflix. So, the last disc they had all these bonus features and I was bored while Brooke was on the phone and so I watched them. They had a segment call the L Generation. They interviewed different lesbians and couples on coming out and what the show means to them and all that. There were a few younger women, but what really hit me were the older couples. In Arizona they had these retirement apartments strictly for gays and lesbians. They showed all these pictures of them in the 50′s-70′s. One woman spoke of how she kept getting arrested for wearing men’s clothes. That was actually illegal, I had no idea. Some of these women were together for 30 years plus. One couple actually got married by an activist priest in the 60′s. No matter what all of them had such prejudice against them. However, it did not stop them for dressing the way they wanted or doing what they wanted with the ones they loves. These women were married the same way Brooke and I feel we are married, but haven’t gotten anything legal. However, back then they had no options to get pregnant the way we do. The only option was to sleep with a man or something. One woman had said the world has definitely come a long way, however not far enough. I am thankful beyond belief the most I get is a despising stare and that is rare. I know when I go to certain areas it’s not safe to hold hands with Brooke. But overall it has become more of the norm to see gays and lesbians. I work with kids everyday and they mostly all know I am a lesbian. They see that I am a normal person just like the straight people they know. And I am proud to be that person in their lives to show them gay people are just like everyone else. We know some lesbian couples in their 40′s and 50′s and I feel for them that they really didn’t have an option to have kids when they wanted. In so many ways I feel lucky that even though we have to jump through so many hoops and hire lawyers and whatnot we still have opportunities that many men and women didn’t have a chance of. One of the actors on the show said she hopes one day her daughter will say to her, “what do you mean there was a time gays and lesbians couldn’t get married? that’s crazy”. I do hope so much I can say that to our future children.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: adoption, baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, drama, family conflict, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, pregnancy, support
I’m not sure what the proper etiquette is when people keep asking if Brooke is pregnant yet. In all honestly we don’t know right now. Everyone says you should wait until you get through the first trimester to tell people in case you miscarry early. I feel weird about saying she isn’t pregnant if she is (whenever that is). Everyday people ask Brooke at work and it’s getting difficult for her. People don’t ask me as often, but I will still say regularly. One of the reasons I starting blogging was to get all this stress out of my system and another to inform people what we are up to without having to repeatedly tell people. What happens if our first insemination doesn’t get what we want? It will be more difficult to tell people who we aren’t pregnant yet. However, if it does work how to I not tell people when they ask?
We seem to be ready if it doesn’t work the first time, but I don’t know. I think it will be harder than we realize. I’m not sure why they have those stupid tests where you can test before your missed period. What they don’t tell you on the commercials is that the earlier you test the less accurate they are. We have spent the last year and then some taking the steps and doing all the footwork to be able to get pregnant and go through this process. Now we are in a period of waiting. Which nothing annoys me more. I am a person who takes action. Who needs to do something to get it done. Now we wait for the exact moment. We wait until the ovulation stick gives us that second line. We wait until we are able to take a pregnancy test. Then we wait those three minutes to inform us if our life is going to change indefinitely or not. What happens when that stick says pregnant? We have to wait longer to tell people. But people keep asking and its either more difficult to say no because we really aren’t or to lie when we are and say no.
