Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: adoption, baby, domestic partnership, donor, GLBT, inseminate, pregnancy, psychic
I guess the big question for me today is about belief. Do I believe in psychics? If I do, just because they say something, does it make it so? Things have been complicated lately. Because of my injuries we have had to take a break from insemination to take care of me. Before all we talked about was making this baby we hope to one day have. Now we talk about doctors appointments, injections, and surgeries for me.
After our last baby making attempt we decided to see a psychic. Brooke has always wanted to get her palm read. It’s something we have always wanted to do for fun, just to see. I had heard about this woman on the radio. People were saying she told them when they would conceive and it happened. I thought what could it hurt, maybe it will be good news. I really never expected what Brooke was told. Brooke went to see the woman by herself. It was an appointment day. Yesterday morning I had an appointment for my knee telling me they were going to operate. After that we went to the psychic appointment for Brooke. It’s amazing how much she was able to tell Brooke about her, just by holding her ring. Brooke told her my birthday and I have to admit did not expect all she knew about me either. We had already decided to take another month off trying until we figured out my back. I didn’t expect this woman saying it would take longer than we thought. She had told Brooke we needed to take care of me first.
She even gave Brooke a number. When we would have the baby. So, do I believe what she says? To we take it to heart and not try until she predicts it will happen. What about everything else she said? These other life affected things…do I believe them? do I not want to? If I do, if what she said is true in all these ways does my blog change from what two lesbians are going through to make a child, to the leaps and bounds two lesbians go through in their crazy young adult life getting us ready to make a baby?
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: adoption, baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, drama, family, family conflict, inseminate, kids these days, lesbian family, OBGYN, parental influence, pregnancy
I am not going to lie Brooke is pretty much screwed. The day I got her in my hooks, she became stuck. Not just with my, but my family as well. This holiday has been good as well as interesting. I am no longer a drinker and haven’t been for over 8 years. However, my family, they are. Christmas Eve by the time we arrive at my mom’s she is drunk and my brother is on his way. We had a nice time overall. But Brooke compared having dinner with my mom drinking to having a toddler at the table. But Brooke is damn good at taking care of everyone. That day my back started to bug me. Unfortunately, the rest of the weekend I was stuck on the couch with my back out and Brooke taking care of me. I have no doubts she will be the best mom in the world since i have seen her take such good care of both my family and myself. I have mentioned before how the selfish part of me is worried when we have kids that no one will be able to take care of me. However, this weekend I worried about me not being able to take care of Brooke when she is pregnant. I definitely spent a lot of time watching tv this weekend. And for some reason every show was about pregnancy and babies. Even that Kendra show on E! which Brooke only wanted to watch because it was the episode she had her baby. At this point she couldn’t reach her shoes or zip up her jacket on her own or anything. Here I am layed up on the couch unable to get up to walk. What happens if my back goes out when she is 9 months pregnant? When I met Brooke I was just about to have back surgery. Since then I have battled injury after injury from tennis and just life. She has always been great at taking care of me. My pain has always been in the front of our minds. I have become somewhat negative and accepting about the whole thing….that this is just the way I am stuck. I have to just deal with the pain and move on. I am definitely at a point where that can’t be a possibility anymore. I need to take care of all this crap going on with my body so I can be present when this whole baby thing happens. I need to be able to take care of Brooke and not worry about my back going out or me knee getting jacked up. The one thing that I have always said about Brooke is that she calms me down. She is the reasonable one. I need to take care of all this crap so she doesn’t have to be reasonable all the time. And maybe be ok with being crazy and hormonal.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: adoption, baby, domestic partnership, family, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, ovulation, pets
So, there are definitely things parents have to do for their children. Stuff like go see Santa. Stuff like going to look at Christmas lights or whatever. For now our kids are Codi and Charlie our dogs. Well they got their first pictures with Santa the other day. Yes we felt cheesy and geeky and all of those things. But they just looked so darn cute! Now last night we went to the Oregon Zoo. They have ZOOLIGHTS. A friend of ours wanted to get a little group and do something festive. First let me say I am beyond not festive. However, for Brooke I am trying. After five years this is the first year with Brooke I have gotten a tree. She keeps telling me when we have kids these are important things. Well, if there is anything to talk to you out of wanting kids, it’s going to something like ZOOLIGHTS. There were hundreds upon hundreds of people and families and kids. I first tell Brooke this kind of stuff is not necessary until the kids can walk without us carrying them around and they can comment on what the see. Besides it being 33 degrees and people carrying their newborns around it’s just plain crowded. For the first time after we leave the thought of “can we do this” crosses Brooke’s mind. Which in turn actually makes me feel better. Brooke has not deterred from this child wanting path. I do want this baby we will hopefully soon be having. However, I definitely have straight fear pass through my thoughts regularly. This is the first time Brooke has seemed to of had it. Nothing like hundreds of families enclosed in a park with animals to bring the fear of life in you. I think it’s completely normal. I like the idea of Brooke’s imperfection. It makes me feel a little less crazy about everything i stress about;)
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, pregnancy, prejudice, support
So, we are taking December off from trying. Things are too stressful at work for Brooke and the holidays in general. I think also we never expected this whole thing to be so hard on us emotionally. This weekend we went to visit some friends in Vancouver, BC. and their one year old boy. They are a lesbian couple who went through the same stuff we are now going through. I think it was just what we needed. Brooke let loose and even drank some wine. I was kind of floored. She had given up caffeine and alcohol since we started trying. But I think she really was overdue for a glass of wine. I am so floored at their health care. You know people are so opinionated about health care in the states, whether or not they should have it. People act as though Canada is some communist country with their health care. But they had great care with the birth and all of the insemination were tax deductible for them. In order for ours to be tax deductible it has to be 7.8% of our annual income. And I just found out yesterday my insurance won’t allow me to put Brooke on it because we can’t get married. The whole system is just fundamentally flawed. Somehow it will all work out. I think I am ready to start thinking about babies again. We had so much fun spending time with their little boy. I think it reminded me how excited I am to be a mom. For Brooke I think it was nice for her to talk to a lesbian mom who had to go through the same stuff she has to go through. We definitely have our hetero friends with babies that have been good. But it is definitely not the same thing we have to go through. Too bad we can’t just go back to the old turkey baster!
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: baby, family conflict, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, pregnancy
This is definitely not fun all this waiting and lack of control and all that crap. Try number two was no success. The let down is actually easier than the first time, but still not emotion free. If only money wasn’t an issue. Paying for insemination would not be a big deal.
I find it interesting that I really have no desire to have a child myself. Not once in my life have I considered it even a possibility. I definitely want to be a mother, but no desire to be pregnant or anything. However, being pregnant and having a child of her own has always been something Brooke wanted. I have had so many people ask if I would have our next child or something like that. It is just not something I have ever had the desire for. Which makes me feel so horrible knowing something Brooke wants so bad is taking longer then we would ideally like.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy, Uncategorized | Tags: baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, pregnancy
We are at least hoping second time is a charm. So, last week we went in for our second insemination. This time we came into luck when Brooke was ovulating. She had already had the day off of work so there was no chance anyone at her job was gong to find out. However, at my job it was a little more difficult. My mom is my boss so the last time I just had to tell my mom and she lied about why i wasn’t at work. This time she was out-of-town and I had to seriously rearrange things and inform some people as to why. Thankfully no one has been pushy since. This time was different then our first try. First of all our nurse was much easier to be comfortable with and we weren’t as nervous. We knew what we were expecting and our appointment was first thing in the morning. Unlike the last time when we were anxious half the day. It was so funny watching them put the speculum in and having to find her cervix. This time she was more informative about what she was doing the whole time. I so badly wanted to look, but i stayed put holding Brooke’s hand. It has been exactly a week and we haven’t talked about it as much as the last time. We are hoping the less pressure we put on it the more likely it will be to work out.
I found it kind of funny when one of our younger male friends, who is about 19, asked about how the process was going. I told him the first time it didn’t work so we are just going to keep at it. In his mind he said that he thought all it took was one try no matter what. I admit this kind of thing was not something I thought about when I was 19 and it’s definitely different being a guy. Over and over again I am amazed about just how little people know about the whole process we as a lesbian couple have to go through to have a child. This time around we are both less stressed about it all. We will hopefully have more patience. And more than anything I hope this second try will be a charm for us.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: adoption, baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, drama, family conflict, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, pregnancy, support
I’m not sure what the proper etiquette is when people keep asking if Brooke is pregnant yet. In all honestly we don’t know right now. Everyone says you should wait until you get through the first trimester to tell people in case you miscarry early. I feel weird about saying she isn’t pregnant if she is (whenever that is). Everyday people ask Brooke at work and it’s getting difficult for her. People don’t ask me as often, but I will still say regularly. One of the reasons I starting blogging was to get all this stress out of my system and another to inform people what we are up to without having to repeatedly tell people. What happens if our first insemination doesn’t get what we want? It will be more difficult to tell people who we aren’t pregnant yet. However, if it does work how to I not tell people when they ask?
We seem to be ready if it doesn’t work the first time, but I don’t know. I think it will be harder than we realize. I’m not sure why they have those stupid tests where you can test before your missed period. What they don’t tell you on the commercials is that the earlier you test the less accurate they are. We have spent the last year and then some taking the steps and doing all the footwork to be able to get pregnant and go through this process. Now we are in a period of waiting. Which nothing annoys me more. I am a person who takes action. Who needs to do something to get it done. Now we wait for the exact moment. We wait until the ovulation stick gives us that second line. We wait until we are able to take a pregnancy test. Then we wait those three minutes to inform us if our life is going to change indefinitely or not. What happens when that stick says pregnant? We have to wait longer to tell people. But people keep asking and its either more difficult to say no because we really aren’t or to lie when we are and say no.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, drama, family, family conflict, inseminate, kids these days, lesbian, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, support
The more time goes by I am reminded of how it seems over time my life has become somewhat of a series of moments.
Moments that have defined and shaped my life over time. My frist defining moment was when I was 16. I found out my father died from Alzheimer’s. It’s not something a 16-year-old is usually prepared for. I skipped school that day with my friend Travis and my Mom and Brother found me at home with him.
I remember the first time I looked in a mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I had discovered my life of drugs and everything else had turned me into something I wasn’t. It had taken away my life and changed me forever. I knew then I had to get sober it was just a matter of how and when.
The first time I looked over at Brooke and realized she was it for me, changed me forever. We were at the restaurant we worked at in the “window”. I looked over at her in the middle of a rush and saw that she was the one I was in love with and I was going to build a life with her.
All these moments have either been defined by a series of choices or by just life happening. I grew up faster than most my friends. I lived my life recklessly and brought myself back together. It has all brought me here in this moment where I’m waiting for life to make a decision on whether Brooke gets pregnant or not. For days we tested on this little plastic thing that she pees on to tell us if she was ovulating. Suddenly, that strip turns blue and everything could possibly change for the rest of our lives. The look on her face was priceless. She woke me at 3:30am before she went to work. Her eyes were lit up and it was no surprise that the damn line showed up.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, drama, family, family conflict, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian family, OBGYN, ovulation, pregnancy, support
For months and months we have been doing, doing, doing and talking, talking, talking. We have been going to all ofour appointments doing all the prerequisites in order to get insemination. We have been discussing and choosing when to do this and whom the best donor would be. We got everything done and now we have been waiting. Waiting for a little stick to have two blue lines that says Brooke is ovulating. Trying to deal with mother nature saying when we can do this now has been somewhat stress releasing, but also completely unknowing what’s happening. Last night I told Brooke I was sure today was the day she was going to start ovulating. Brooke does her test right before she goes to work in the morning and usually wakes me up to kiss me goodbye. This morning when she wakes me up she has a big smile and I know, she says you were right. I did not sleep much after that and took a Xanax first thing. This day we have been waiting for months for is here and I’m not going to lie it scares the hell out of me, leaves me anxious, nervous, excited all of these things.
Filed under: lesbian pregnancy | Tags: baby, doctor, domestic partnership, donor, family conflict, GLBT, inseminate, lesbian, lesbian family, OBGYN, parental influence, politics, pregnancy, support
So this week we had to go see a donor counselor. Apparently, anyone who uses anonymous donation has to go through this little education process. We had to go to northwest Portland to this old Victorian house that had been turned to about 20 kinds of medical offices. The woman we have to go see is in this tiny room with two chairs a couple of bookshelves and a couch for two. And that was her entire space. Not only had I been dreading this appointment but I was sick. She has a little syllabus of what we are going to go over in our time and has us look it over. Then she just sort of talks and randomly asks questions. Basically, this entire session is how in the future after you have a child to explain to them how they don’t have a father, but a donor. We found actually this was a pretty interesting little meeting. Apparently, you want to start talking about the donor or “doctors helper” when they are around two. It’s something you want to bring up off and on throughout their lives. Until they actually become teenage years you actually stop bringing it up. I would’ve thought you talked more about it when they were older. A lot of people have asked questions about how we pick a donor and do we get to see a picture and will the child ever get to meet the donor. It really hasn’t made sense to me why the child would be a random guy who is giving a service and that’s it. I was worried she was going to tell us something like how to get in touch with the donor if the kid wanted or something. But actually she said if the child ever asked if they would meet the donor simply say probably not. I get the whole idea of wanting to know where you come from. But we do have a medical history and really that’s all that’s needed. I guess it goes back to the whole nature versus nurture thing. I believe a child without any of my actual genes will turn out more like me, whom they spend their entire life with, than some person they never meet. I see how some people can be so fixated on that social norm of a mother and father that’s been around, but in actuality in the straight world a whole hell of a lot of mothers and fathers don’t even speak to each other. All the single mothers out there are praised for doing it on their own. You don’t hear much about they need to go find a man to help raise the child. But when you hear about gay and lesbian couples they think even though it’s two parents you need one of each sex. It just seems there will never be a perfect situation in any condition and you just kind of do the best with what you got.
